Notes to myself 1

Have been thinking for long, to start writing again...m full of sarcasm these days. scarred humorous people tend to turn scornfully sarcastic it seems. But a senior of mine repeatedly insisted me to start writing again. And here I go :) straight from Hyderabad.

30/5/2016- Learning: it so happened, Hyderabad is sultry hot and painfully Humid at night, Like all anti environmentalist, I have become a pollutant producer and hence an air conditioner Addict (I try to abstain from all kinds of addiction, but this luxury has really caught me. I feel guilty adding to the CO2 emission,..but I feel ashamed not able to arrange pne for my sick mother, who has to suffer really hot summers of 2012, I was 28 then,, I could have highly arranged it for one. I am ashamed! thats all I can say.)   
Anyway, getting back to the topic, I am currently at my sister's place, who seems to have an old Air cooler which didnt seem to be working fine. And I am having sleepless nights, which mostly ends up in the uncomfortable swing at the veranda admist the mosquitoes but the only solace is the cool breeze.
I am already here for 7 days and need to stay for 7 more, so..I thought to myself, enough is enough I decided check in the youtube and do the servicing on my own. I asked the maid for the tool box and as per the instruction in youtube, took out all the screws, cleaned the mess...in the tank, etc, etc,
And when I switched it on, I found OOoops! cooler had a nob for cooling which was off all through out, it was only the blower fan, which was working and not the cooling part!!
If I had cared to look at it first, it would have saved a hell lot of my time and energy.

Moral of the story: Thinking fast is fine, but jumping procedure isnt. Nothing can beat being thorough. Especially for gadgets, look for the apparent problem and then care to open the parts. 

29/5/2016- 

31/5/2016- Life's not about how hard of a hit u can give, its about how many you can take and still keep moving forward. - Rocky Balboa
I had hit him with my hardest blow, he didnt shy to give me his best shot either. So, we are now equal. But the power lies in moving forward, I must admit he had out run me on that, but theres no harm in being inspired and following a winner. ;-) thanking you for showing the path!

The paper weight

The thought of writing this came to me while i was looking at a beautiful paper weight rested at my office desk....and i dont remember when i started writing this behind a rough green legal paper. It was lunch hour and may be i was just scribbling, like i always do. Then somebody called me I went to the other room and when I came back to my desk i found a green fluttering page filled with my handwriting....and then i started reading:

In philosophy and psychology many times I read about different illusions. But alas! in life I failed to identify/differentiate them from reality.

As a kid I was always fascinated by beautiful marbles, for me it was a matter of great curiosity-how really did the colors get inside the glass balls? I stared at them with marvel n great surprise and its unfolded mystery gave me immense delight.

As the years passed, the marbles were replaced by big glass balls called paper weights. Now, life is fast and wondering at a nonprofit yielding thing of insignificant importance is either stupidity/luxury.

But in day to day hustle whenever I manage to notice the paper weight, its single glance flies me back to my colorful days of marbles and kites. To my surprise they still attract me, the incognito of the colors inside it till invites me to get inside the glass wall and touch its abstract splashes and visit its swirls of colors.

Of late I got attracted to such a soul restricted inside a glass ball. I was curious to step inside the glass wall and feel its color filled abstracts. Hours, days and years went by and my attraction towards the colors inside glass globe just increased. I held the ball for hours rolling it over my palm. My fingers felt its polish and smoothness n my eyes were filled with its beauty. My failure to reveal its incognito at times gave me pain and frustration and at times made me enchanted and more curious.

For many years the soul basked in the warmth of my attraction, curiosity and surprise. Then one day the soul took pity on me and my restlessness. It decided to let me in. But the glass around it was thick and strong. As the soul was too sensitive so it cocooned itself and sealed all the doors from inside. The only way was to break through.

The soul then realized that it fell in love with me and so it agreed to let me in crushing down the glass wall. I was happy, finally, finally I shall be close to the splashes, the swirls, the waves of colors. My happiness was boundless. But then when I started stepping in, the broken glass pieces pricked my feet, i started bleeding but I ignored, cause I was getting what I longed for years. With each forwarding steps more glass pieces pierced my body. Inside it was cold and stuffy the only warmth came from my breathe and the oozing blood streams. There was no looking back, I was determined to hold the beauty close that lay inside all those obstacles. Ultimately, I stood close to the soul of my dreams, I was bleeding profusely, I tried to touch it, but it was nothing but a small piece of chemically pigmented pieces of glass which lay inside cold and stiff, just like they are in marbles and paper weights.

Disheartened, bruised and soaked in blood, I escaped from the glass ball. My feet still hurts, the wounds are still fresh. The memories of getting inside the glass ball haunt. I ran miles after miles, then when I looked back, I saw the soul lost its beauty, glass pieces scattered all around with blood stains on them, it has lost its polish and smoothness. Yes, I succeeded in unfolding its mystery but it made me and the glass ball ugly, chipped n broken. It cost us more than we could have imagined.

Sometimes when I look back, in a far end, I find the chipped n cracked glass ball, the beautiful soul which once attracted me is no more beautiful. I feel guilty, because it was my attraction which proved fatal to both of us. I try to escape, from the haunting memories, I try to escape from the guilt but then I realize I cannot escape from the horrors and guilt cause its my punishment which I will have to carry till my last breathe!

Lil' butterfly

Have seen a little yellow butterfly.....on the land of ashes of some small brick factory....on which little bushes struggled to grow and came out successfully with green new leaves....where the grass...spread its network...beneath the grey....popped its green leaves scattered with gay! I have perceived it on a sunny lazy afternoon n within a sec it turned into a boon....sitting on canopied ridge by the river of purity a glimpse of my past appeared in clarity !!

It sent me to my old lost school.....

Up at the hills of Masimpur.........

where we used to have our lunch sitting on a big green meadow surrounded by lil' butterflies!!

where sometimes they innocently entered into the classes of strict teachers....and all our eyes and mind hovered with them for some moments before the teacher brought back us into the lesson!!

I lived a few moments of my past.....a few moment of peace....way back into that school which is up at the hill!

Jio GURU!!!

Got bowled by the thoughts of a poet, whose thoughts are so far fetched after almost 80 years of his death we are realizing the truth, but still unwilling to accept it! I always thought so, but as m not a poet or a gr8 writer cud never sum and organise my thoughts orderly, but when I read his work...I felt that he wrote it with the ink of my thoughts......and so thought of sharing it!!

On Children (The Prophet)

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

-Khalil Gibran

Phew!

I have walked a long way....and I just realised its a one way road with no u-turns! Left home in 2000, in search of truth n knowledge of the world(not text). Naah! not influenced from Buddhism, it must b feeling euphemistic..may be..but thats what is true. I wanted to be on my own, self dependent and confident and not insecured !...I wanted to peep beyond the boundaries of my over protective joint family, rules, traditions, dogmatism. Wanted to know how required they are? Does the world outside have the same ethics we follow, or different or no ethics at all? Are the values really valuable that our elders are hell bent on imposing on us........Does the ppl outside really can survive without these? Don't they feel Godless without all these, some meaningful some nonsense instructions which is being followed from generations, the so called "amader barir niyom, erom e korte hoy..." and so on.

I always thought, that come what may, the way of returning back is always there for me..........but now I understand...I can never go back.....in search of knowledge..my rules, my values, my perspective have changed...for good? or bad?...only time will say......

That dominant rebel in me has taken its shape........and now it wants experiment and evidence to believe anything and everything. It seeks logic, rationality to be convinced. It keeps challenging anything and everything related to my life back 2000.

I still would like to go back...but it will disrupt the lives of the ppl there associated with me....and my peace of mind as well.......they aren't prepared to think beyond what they have been taught all these years.....They are happy accepting anything wrong without questioning, as this is what all there fore fathers have been doing!....Logic and science is something very bookish for them...without any practical application.Unfortunately, these conservative rules, instructions are mostly for the women, of the women and surprisingly practised by the women!!

Dene wala jab v deta deta chhappar phaad k!!! ;-)

I am happy, I am happy, I am haappppyyyyyyyyyyy......... After long long time I got what i deserved.....I always asked God for giving me an opportunity, to humiliate someone who has pushed me into a state of turmoil and despair for long three years!! And I did it with elan!!.. I

have started accepting the fact that I am actually good at making people believe that they are invisible. This is what I exactly did tonight....

I ignored him to the extent that he would doubt his own existence!! And thats what has made my day!!!

M happy m happy m happy again....................la la la la...la la la la...la la la la...hmmm hmm

ASHTAMI MIDNYT'S dream.........!!

I am still in a state of disbelief that I actually did this……last night….at around 1am I went to hop around the Pandals & then came back at 4:30am. Kolkata was not Kolkata yesterday night it had turned into a city of Fairs, Crackers, Colors, Light, Merriment…and indeed a city of Joy. I could see weary faces drenched with sweat & exhausted but strangely people from six to sixty there was a smile fixed with Fevicol in everyone’s face….Because its DURGOTSAV here!
I had a bitter experience in my childhood while hopping around pandals I got stuck in the crowd and the force of it was killing. It was suffocating, I don’t remember how did I come out, but it was enough for me to decide never to go for such a mis-adventure!

But a big thanx to my so called enemy who cared to take me to Pandal hopping and crushed my misconception with my stiletto heels about Puja outings! It was really really fun!! Even though I was physically exhausted but mentally I was bubbling like a champagne! I was just simply not willing to go back home! Just imagine people at 3'o clock in the morning having Chaat, Phucka, Aloo Kabli, Roll, Moghlai.....and riding joy rides n Giant wheels etc. ......God!! baache budhe sab, "Sab" kha rahein the....

I had the idea, that one should hire a car or have a two wheeler to roam around. But trust me all u need is a guide or a person who knows the place well.........I was surprised when my companion said lets take a bus...I was awestruck to see there were full on bus services all night. I knew about whole night availability of metro rail...but about the buses, I was...??? The streets appeared like it does in any week day in peak office hours...the sergeants were busy controlling the traffic and barring erratic drivers from using no-entry roads!!

There were People who were wearing sports shoes with Kurta and Sarees...as they know they might have to keep walking for 5-6 hours! I was surprised to see their enthusiasm...and thot oh God what an idiot I am, missed all these fun for all these years...........Bheed thelay j ki anondo!! ;P (its fun pushing along the crowd).

I could just never realize that it would b so much exciting...even I had the desire to dive into the bizarre of having Aloo-Kabli at 3pm but then dropped the idea as my companion wasnt thrilled about it! :P

All I know pple go crazy during Durga puja........and this time even I drenched myself in the rain of that over excitement which one should experience once in their life..all u need is a comfrotable shoe and a good guide who knows the routes well........(I wish everyone have a foe like d oneI have!) ;-p