FORGIVE AND FORGET!

I have done a very difficult task few days back! I have forgiven some one, which is actually very odd in my case, coz am unbelievably vindictive! But after doing that, it seems i was holding a big stupid file in my shelf which consumed too much space! I am not feeling good neither very relaxed, The moment I told him, I forgive u for all that u did to me, I felt so disassociated with him, as if then and there we became strangers! As if nothing can effect me about him!

We had a long two hours conversation where we discussed about the ppl who contibuted to our soured relationship! As if we were re-reading an old suspense thriller, we both know about the murder(s) just forgot a few pages or lines and just discussing them now....all futile!

He was a very old chum of mine, we were so close, and then things were messed up!I met him after long 4.6 years........ Initially the conversation was difficult to take off, then it was cool.......but once I uttered the words I forgive u..I could visiualise, as if he is moving far far far away from me and merging with the horizon!

New dimension of male dominance!

Aha!! got a new theory today....one of my classmate bought a saree for his mom(puja shopping), he took an extra step to buy matching essential accessories with it! I was happy to know that he is so caring and warm to do such a sweet thing!! Then I asked him about the color and he said its of light beige shade. I knew he is from a small town, where people usually prefer wearing brighter shades(i dont mean loud)..I asked him, why did u go for that color? He replied, coz his mom is quite old, I was just curious to know her age. To my shock he said she is 40-43 years........!!Oh my GODDDD!!!.....I said 43 is not an age to wear a beige saree!! Now he bombarded me with his strange logic....here it goes, He is having an affair and he wants to get married by next 3 years, and he wont like, if his mom wears a bright saree, like his wife! His exact lines were, "cheler bou'er samne deep rong pora seta ki manansoi hobe?" I just cudnt believe my ears.......I just got so irritated that I wanted to argue with him.......but then i thot theres no point!!

Men will always be men!...Pehle, Baap ki suno, phir bhai bara ho to uski suno, phir pati ki aur sasural walon ki suno, then phir BETE ki suno!! This is a vicious cycle....All u have to do is iski uski sunte hi jaao!!..........

I am still feeling so disgusted!! I beleive we women bring all these problems to ourself by just being submissive!

I believe, m blessed, as almost never had to go through all these, my sister had some inconvenience but I was always lucky to get away from all these! And I believe now my frend and family understands that I am fully aware, where what to wear and what to do and say...!! Uuff!!.........Thank u God!

The PINK stole in the GREEN hills!

Its raining incessantly for the last three days....its irritating, sloggy, muddy, gloomy boring all around!! :( I am hating this Shohure brishti (rain in the cities)..I remember when we were in Shillong, it used to rain any time and everytime of the year, but i liked everything about it!! even though I was a kid and never allowed to go out n play....but it was a pleasure watching the rain!

For the last few days , it seems am physically present in this city of Joy(kana cheler naam padma lochon) but my mind is flying high with the moisten winds of some hills...far far away from the city...I can feel the cloudlets passing by, I can percieve the deep green hill tops, playing peek a boo with the veil of fog and clouds! And I am...running along the twisted trailing roads wearing a bright pink stole!!

I feel I dont belong to this city....I never did! People say life is gloomy and boring in the hills, theres no life! I wanna question them, then where is life? Is it in the hypocrate hussle bustle or aritificial trance of discotheques or in the tall skyscrappers standing amidst the pollution or in the glowing billboards of the malls?? or in some resort, whose land has been snatched from some poor farmers? Its like laughing aloud in a laughing club!! where all are laughing with no meaning, but to save our physical heart!!....

But, people who have seen cheerful school going children of the hills, untouched from the corruption of the advanced world, waving at every passer by with a smile.......and have felt why do they do so...will never have to attend a laughing club!

"For often, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon THAT INWARD EYE

WHICH IS THE BLISS OF SOLITUDE

And then my heart with pleasure fills

And dances with the daffodils." (Wordsworth's Daffodils)

Story of plenty..

Came across a heart wrenching story of a person who is runing away from his childhood...........he doesn't want to cherish anything of it. Nope its not that it wasn't beautiful! Its just that it was in some other country, which he has left behind so many years ago.....he came during an emergency, his life was at threat then.

But now he has become a citizen of India, leaving everything including his family back at his native land. He just completely wants to forget that he was never born here, he hates to recall the memories of his childhood frens, playing in his mother's lap. As those sweet memories haunt him and he wants to get rid of them. Because he knows he can never go back to his family. Its a defence he is trying to put in his mind, so that it pains less. As he knows, he had been marooned to this foreign land for all his life!

He used to visit his home town once in a year, and his dad never used to go out of home, thinking if anyone asks him about his son's where about, how will he lie?

He enjoyed being with his family but his Dad used to be so dead nervous, as if a criminal and has taking shelter in their home.

He was a kid when he was forced to stay away from his home & family. It was rather his Dad's decision to send him to a foreign land, but when he came , because of emergency, he didnt get any passport or Visa. Thats was his only fault, may b even to survive a kid needs a passport or visa.

Then at one point of time he stopped visiting them. His Dad was now a renowned person in their city. He wanted to be with his family but couldnt be with them because of their inhibitions. Now all on a sudden his Dad expired...he cudnt go and visit his dad in his last days, cudnt perform his funeral rites because he was not given the Visa...He told me, 'I was too exhausted and concerned to get the Visa, so cudnt think much about my Dad...' he said, he doesnt feel the vaccum, somehow he has manged to be disassociate with the whole lose! In his own words "the pain cudnt penetrate me."

He seems to be at peace now, coz his family has decided to shift to some other city..........May be now he can manage to go often to his birth land and visit his family.

I was just wondering how these international borders, internal wars, communal riots have changed the lives of so many people around the globe....wars do get over but their impact never seems to die! :(

Reconciliation!

How difficult it is to reconcile or communicate with someone after many years, whom once I called a frend? When I thought about the consequences, it was a strict No No.... I was apprehensive about what would I say? Wat wud be the person's reaction? I didn't want to go thru the same tortures boulevard that I have left behind.

My rational mind was overpowering my conscience......but deep inside someone was saying, 'I shud do it'. And finally after enuf brainstorming..I called him up....Initially the conversation was very formal rather artificial, after sometime...it Mc.Dowells smooth!!!....The person with whom i didnt want to talk even for 2mins, I talked to him for long 1hr. And the time flew by so fast! I dnt know about him...but for me it was so spontaneous, so easy...as if we never parted! The apprehensions, inhibitions were worthless......... Ppl do have difference of opinion and everything comes with an expiry date...so does frenship.....but, its a spark much brighter than Love...If nothing works it does!!....... I know I have spent some wonderful time discussing, arguing things with him...(i dnt remeber if we have ever fought over anything) Learnt so many aspects of life...It has helped me a lot to be wat I m today...........I surely dnt want him back in my life (even tho we were gr8 frens and only frens 2 b precise!) But I will cherish our frenship all my life..................

I believe thats the magic of frenship!!!

Hope our lives be full circles, where ever we are or watever we do. Amen!

An ode to the Happy Prince!

It seems I just cudnt get over MJ's death. Today his memorial took place at Staple's centre, LA. And since 8pm I was hooked b4 the Tv set constantly surfing the channels. At last the much awaited show started at 11pm..and still my search for the best quality channel was on, ultimately I decided to be happy with CNN. After the show, I was thinking may be Celebrities shud never pass away silently.....MJ whad a tough childhood, but he had too much of love inside him, which touched so many lives around the world. He was a child from inside, so wanted himself to be called the Peter Pan. He found peace when his fans, cheered, roared, applauded for him. Thats why people celebrated his life even on his funeral! All his life MJ was surrounded by fans and papparazis, he loved it, he feared being a loner! I just hope our Little 5'10" Prince of Neverland doesnt feel lonely inside his golden casket, and be happy...cause his message of love, patience and brotherhood is flying all around and lingering in each of our hearts!

Am lost again!

...as the title goes, m lost again.. in the midst of non stop flight of thoughts, hoping and jumping moving all around me like "Blubber". But for a change m not feeling low today..I feel enthusiastic...I have too many productive plans, too many projects and too little time. I m feeling excited think about them..but deep in my heart I know they might be worthless & simple waste of time. The moment the negatives stikes my mind, I feel, am I deceiving myself with these momentary happiness?? I am suppose to do sumthing big...not in the worldly way, but big in its own sense of providing satisfaction!! I belief my heart and soul lies in something which am yet to find...I feel its veiled with mist of time and I just need to keep walking, to the other side of this valley to feel the yellow bright sky!!

I get worried, when I think if I am in the right track in my voyage of searching contenment or I am simply chasing a mirage...but again sometimesI do feel some kinda vibes, may be my inner soul/ my unconsious state of mind is trying to communicate with me. I find myself in a situation similar to Santiago ( Alchemist).

Under this calm composed expression of my face, I know how unrest my mind becomes when I pass through such phases.

May be I have started loving these mind churning episodes of my life....I love when I introspect and look back into things..and find how co related the present and past is........it gives me inner light and a better foresight!

I think its time I understand.....executing a well sketched plan is not my cuppa tea! I better be happy experiencing the depth of the sea than standing in the shore and anticipating.