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Friday, March 9, 2012

The paper weight

The thought of writing this came to me while i was looking at a beautiful paper weight rested at my office desk....and i dont remember when i started writing this behind a rough green legal paper. It was lunch hour and may be i was just scribbling, like i always do. Then somebody called me I went to the other room and when I came back to my desk i found a green fluttering page filled with my handwriting....and then i started reading:
In philosophy and psychology many times I read about different illusions. But alas! in life I failed to identify/differentiate them from reality.
As a kid I was always fascinated by beautiful marbles, for me it was a matter of great curiosity-how really did the colors get inside the glass balls? I stared at them with marvel n great surprise and its unfolded mystery gave me immense delight.
As the years passed, the marbles were replaced by big glass balls called paper weights. Now, life is fast and wondering at a nonprofit yielding thing of insignificant importance is either stupidity/luxury.
But in day to day hustle whenever I manage to notice the paper weight, its single glance flies me back to my colorful days of marbles and kites. To my surprise they still attract me, the incognito of the colors inside it till invites me to get inside the glass wall and touch its abstract splashes and visit its swirls of colors.
Of late I got attracted to such a soul restricted inside a glass ball. I was curious to step inside the glass wall and feel its color filled abstracts. Hours, days and years went by and my attraction towards the colors inside glass globe just increased. I held the ball for hours rolling it over my palm. My fingers felt its polish and smoothness n my eyes were filled with its beauty. My failure to reveal its incognito at times gave me pain and frustration and at times made me enchanted and more curious.
For many years the soul basked in the warmth of my attraction, curiosity and surprise. Then one day the soul took pity on me and my restlessness. It decided to let me in. But the glass around it was thick and strong. As the soul was too sensitive so it cocooned itself and sealed all the doors from inside. The only way was to break through.
The soul then realized that it fell in love with me and so it agreed to let me in crushing down the glass wall. I was happy, finally, finally I shall be close to the splashes, the swirls, the waves of colors. My happiness was boundless. But then when I started stepping in, the broken glass pieces pricked my feet, i started bleeding but I ignored, cause I was getting what I longed for years. With each forwarding steps more glass pieces pierced my body. Inside it was cold and stuffy the only warmth came from my breathe and the oozing blood streams. There was no looking back, I was determined to hold the beauty close that lay inside all those obstacles. Ultimately, I stood close to the soul of my dreams, I was bleeding profusely, I tried to touch it, but it was nothing but a small piece of chemically pigmented pieces of glass which lay inside cold and stiff, just like they are in marbles and paper weights.
Disheartened, bruised and soaked in blood, I escaped from the glass ball. My feet still hurts, the wounds are still fresh. The memories of getting inside the glass ball haunt. I ran miles after miles, then when I looked back, I saw the soul lost its beauty, glass pieces scattered all around with blood stains on them, it has lost its polish and smoothness. Yes, I succeeded in unfolding its mystery but it made me and the glass ball ugly, chipped n broken. It cost us more than we could have imagined.
Sometimes when I look back, in a far end, I find the chipped n cracked glass ball, the beautiful soul which once attracted me is no more beautiful. I feel guilty, because it was my attraction which proved fatal to both of us. I try to escape, from the haunting memories, I try to escape from the guilt but then I realize I cannot escape from the horrors and guilt cause its my punishment which I will have to carry till my last breathe!